It’s was a tough choice for me & I knew whatever I would choose, it’ll be a wrong choice. My loving wife gave birth to our second son just 4 days back & I had to leave her & my 5 year old son as my father’s health was deteriorating. To me, one soul has taken a new form in the form of this newborn baby, while other’s was about to leave the body. What to choose? How can I be a son & a husband at the same time without upsetting anyone? Family in India was calling me to come, which I understand. My wife was asking me to not leave as she had just given birth & was very vulnerable, which I also understand. I knew that my wife & family would survive; she’s a strong woman. So I chose to fly away from her. Pretty selfish, right? But was I really that? We’ll always have different opinions – different cultures, different persons, different rights & wrongs. I still hear that I have traumatised my wife, which is perhaps true. But no one understands why I did that. I know deep down why I took that decision. Honestly, I don’t regret it. However, everything comes with a price. It doesn’t take a lot to unbalance the balance & my zodiac sign is libra.
This poem is about my dearest father when he was admitted to hospital. His condition was deteriorating day by day. It was very tough to see him like this. He used to be so lively. I can never forget how weak, frustrated & depressed he became due to the illness. On top of that, I was living my trauma. Almost every single day / night, a patient’s soul was leaving the body. The screaming, the crying, followed by the scary silence. I was feeling insane, anxious & was panicking. My father’s condition improved a bit & he did come home but I knew it’s a matter of few months, before he would transform into the shining star. It’s never easy to see your loved one in this condition. Memories were running in my head. His body has become one with earth and his soul, with universe. My beloved father will always live in my heart.
It’s my romance with the devil in the formless form of pain, panic & anxiety. I’m simply surrendering myself to this sensual devil, letting “her” bite me to make me bleed. I’m simply not afraid. On the contrary, I’m very much attracted as I’m really feeling the heat and therefore, the words are flowing in me, just like the blood on this tainted floor. Horror & romance can go side by side.
It’s a poem about my younger son, who’s been diagnosed with infantile autism. He’s full of energy & never afraid of anything the one moment. But the next, he’s vulnerable, insecure, having meltdowns. Sometimes it’s difficult for him to differentiate between reality & fiction. I see this all as a blessing in disguise as I’m learning so many things from the little zen master, who’s purely divine. My heart melts when I see him happy & sad; whatever his state of mind, he’s full of passion. I love him & connect with him all the way, even though it’s sometimes crazy tough to “handle” him & match his physical energy. No matter what, I’ll be there for him till my last breath.
I’m simply unable to sleep. Anxiety has taken over and I’m taking a walkthrough into my own mind to show what’s going on up there. I’m taking off the protective shield to face the unknown. It’s my way of soul searching when I’m loosing my mind, to reconnect by hitting the reset in me.