Another not feel good poem because that’s my present state of mind. I can’t drink alcohol due to epilepsy, which is perhaps a good thing. I want to simply forget everything by being drunk, even though it’s running away. Don’t we sometimes need to run from ourselves?
I know it’s a phase I’m going through. Writing poem is my way of venting out, to let the things out of my system. It’s my own therapy.
I’m feeling very unstable & frustrated with constant mood shifts. I’m unable to deal with anything. Attacks of anger, panic, anxiety, which lead to constant snapping. But I do know deep down it’s a phase, though it’s not easy to deal with my angry face.
I’m snapping on my family quite often. So many misunderstandings, my ego is coming in my way – thinking of myself only. I’ve started isolating myself more often, when in reality it wasn’t about giving space. My wife wanted me to be there for her & for the family, which I didn’t understand as I was so much soaked in my own self.
Dedicating this poem, which I wrote last night, to an anonymous blogger, a crazy flowic poet, a beautiful person, a being, who couldn’t handle life anymore. Even though she tried her best, but in the end, she was planning to let it go, which is quite saddening. That was quite visible from her writings. I’ll miss her a lot if she’s gone. Perhaps, she’s got her peace, which she always desired & struggled for. However, I still hope, I’m absolutely wrong about it. Perhaps she’ll read my poem & would write her comment. That’s what we used to do quite a lot. Peace & Love.
I’m simply looking at my situation and relating to it with colour red (blood), shaky ground, broken clouds with roaring sound. Even though everything is so intense, I do feel the touch of a healing hand.
There’s a huge quarrel between my wife & myself, where we both said mean things to each other, which we really don’t mean. When you are in that zone, you spit fire with crazy flow. I don’t blame her at all, as I’m not an easy man to live with. This critical sickness of brain hemorrhage with epilepsy amplifies everything in my head to the crazy levels. She is not feeling even close to well because of this rollercoaster rides & my snapping. We stopped talking due to this quarrel for a day. So I wrote this poem as my way of conveying my message.
Every day brings me to something different. I am writing this new poem very late at night. The words are flowing in me all of a sudden & I am not stopping them. I’m simply longing crazily & living those lines as if it’s my reality.
It’s like having the recipe of inner peace but difficult to master it. Questioning myself the “what ifs” as I’m quite anxious, restless & feeling inner pain. I’m simply accepting what I’m feeling but at the same time, focusing on my breathing to evaporate my speculations.
I feel broken, sad & I’m experiencing the pinching sensation in my brain. Not everything is the way I pictured & I’m now living with a broken heart. However, I’m still trying to learn; to see the light in this different form, covered with darkness.