Flashing Lights

Imagine this scene
It happens on one evening 
I’m around 7 years
I’m feeling happy at the airport
And I’m with my elder sister, younger brother, 
Parents and my uncle 
My younger brother looks so happy
He’s not even 18 months old
He’s bearing that sweet smile
He’s walking around
An unknown guy gave him a rupee bill
He thought too this kid was cute 
The kid’s smile & walk was simply so charming
And those curls would just add more cuteness
This kid is walking at the airport 
Holding that rupee bill in his hand
While my eyes are fixed at him
But then he returns back to us
Without that bill in his hands
Perhaps he had lost it
Perhaps he gave it to someone
But it’s immaterial
This day seemed the happiest day
It’s my first time at the airport with family

But then a sudden shift in this scene
The next moment 
The uncle is walking away with this cute kid
My li’l brother
I’m standing & thinking 
What’s happening at this moment? 
Why is my bro leaving?
Where are they going?
They walked away from us
I don’t see my brother & uncle anymore
They have disappeared all of a sudden
After a while, there’s pure silence
After some time, I see a plane on the runway
From the big airport windows
It’s speeding up & is about to take off
The plane’s lights are flashing 
And it’s roaring just like when it thunders
My eyes are fixed at this plane
The flashing lights & that crazy loud noise
I’m fascinated but also confused
I can’t see how my sister is feeling 
I can’t see how my parents are reacting
I’m blinded by that moment 
Speechless in shock
I feel like running after that plane 
To get my brother 
But after a few seconds 
The plane disappears in the sky 
With my brother 
All I see are the flashing lights
All I can hear is the roaring sky

Everything changes after that moment 
I am in deep shock
But then I don’t remember anything
I simply can’t recall 
But my family told me
After several years
I was very sad
I was crying a lot
I was angry 
I was in shock
I was asking questions to my parents 
I had lost my brother 
But no one would tell me 
The real reason
As if my parents had promised not to
All I heard for years 
Were different stories
For many years 
I didn’t know the real reason 
Infact for decades, I wasn’t aware
But when the real story was told
I couldn’t believe it
But then I could figure out more
Started putting the pieces together
Started going back in time
By replaying the scenes
In my head
Whatever I remembered
Why things were happening 
When they happened 

Just imagine to be that big brother 
Who looses the younger one 
And doesn’t know anything more
For several years
Why he was taken away?
Just the stories
Lies
Till this day
And I’m 46 now
I still hear the stories
But I know the truth 
I’m not even sharing
How the rest of the family felt
For several years
How they still feel about it

Can you feel my story?
Could your parents do the same?
To make a sacrifice this big?
To bring their own family 
To a state of shock
To traumatize their own lives 
Till their last breath
I hope not

I’m a father
I can’t even imagine 
In my wildest imaginations 
To give away one of my kids 
For the sake of helping
Another family member
I don’t have that kind of courage
I can’t do that kind of sacrifice
I will never
It’ll break me into pieces
That very instant
Imagine how that kid would feel
At that time
Do you have the courage & compassion
To give away your own child?
I hope not

I feel my parents pain & suffering 
So strongly 
After I’ve become a parent myself 
They never forgot that scene
And how could they?
They gave away their own kid
To help plant the seed of happiness 
In return of sorrow & trauma

When I was about to leave 
My motherland
The first thing I heard 
From my mother was
Now he has taken 
Another son as well
It is not true though
It was my own decision
No one forced me
But it showed me so clearly 
Her trauma & pain
It was not hate
It wasn’t anger
It brought her back
To the moment 
When she had to 
Give away her son 
Several years back
She felt so intensely
That it’s happening 
To her once again
She couldn’t speak 
For over an year 
From the time 
I left my motherland
Not more than “yes” & “no”
Or simply nodding
She was numb
She was reliving her shock

I used to tell her
Whenever I talked to her
Whenever I visited her
It was my own decision 
No one has taken me 
Away from you
No one can
But her reactions were
“Ok”
Or a simple nod
That’s it
She was apparently 
At another place 
In her mind & heart
Daddy used to be quiet
He won’t say 
Such things to me
He was protecting me 
And his own wife
But I saw the sadness 
In his eyes
It was painful 
To see those eyes
They said more than 
His real words

I can still see in my head 
That runway on that evening
Where the plane is about to take off
While I’m running desperately after it
But the plane simply took off 
I couldn’t stop it
It’s dissecting 
The chest of the sky 
Those intense beats 
Those flashing lights
It still feels like 
Someone is about to
Cut open my chest…the roaring sky 
With a sharp knife…the plane
The fire…the flashing lights
Is it my trauma…my pain?

But don’t misunderstand me
I’m not sharing 
To get any sympathy
Don’t feel sorry
I’m not here to hate anyone
I don’t wish to put the blame either
No, I don’t claim anything
I don’t believe in claims
What did I bring with me 
In this Universe
That I need to claim?
It’s the other way around
It’s the Universe 
Who brought me here
Universe is full of Love
Universe is Love
Love is Universe

But I need this 
I need to share this story
To let it go
From every single particle 
Of my body
This is my scream
This is my cry
To release the pain 
To bring an end 
To those stories  
To those lies
So I can breathe freely
So I can find peace
So I can restructure my pieces
So I can free the souls
From sorrow & trauma 
When they lived 
In the form of human bodies
That’s all 

NAVIN’S POEMS © 2019

13 thoughts on “Flashing Lights”

  1. ery intense expression of events for a very small mind to comprehend. It’s truly the lies that do the most damage…far & wide.
    I hope to not step bounds w/this pebble of a stone for me to share….

    I was ripped from my mother & 3 half sisters at 4, by my father. I carried the burden to later know she continued to do drugs and alcohol instead of caring for her other 3 children in tow. I accepted that blame of her shame for losing her youngest of the brewed….if it were up to me I wouldn’t have been taken by a man who was using me as a pawn to cause pain instead of really wanting me to learn the value of being a human being. Those flashes are much less. I’ve had plenty of years to digest the trainwreck. It was being trapped in a van w/not knowing how to work the mechanics to get out to be with the one’s, i felt, to be stolen from.

    From 4 yrs old & beyond I saw through confused eyes…I learned in silence is where I’m the most strong [safe] I had a woman guardian who raised me in a very vindictive controlling abusive way………i’d learned words meant nothing when people open their mouth anyway……taught to keep away from the harms of human hands and their twisted thoughts. [i started running away from home at 9 yrs old trying to escape her sexual deviance—-slept in trees & anywhere people weren’t to be] Even if they bare the family name…I learned the sickness remained & preying on innocence is some ‘things’ main stay…..so I’ve kept away….just as she hid me away, as a child, from the abuse being discovered. [I was subsequently, removed from that environment at 13….a new chapter had begun]

    I am blessed to have been gifted with two children of my own to learn and grow the love that needed atoned……my house will always be their home….in my heart their names ring true no matter what they do…..extending that feeling is where i choose to cherish….one day maybe w/another to share it.

    Thank you for hearing me….& your in-depth share….much love

  2. What a story of yours, that you’ve lived. I’m humbled that my story made you share yours. Thanks for that.

    What a crazy tough childhood you had. I’ve never understood how a mother & a father can do something like that to their child(ren).
    What I also sense is that you’ve always used your inner intellectual / you’ve listened to your inner voice from the very beginning. Your strength in finding silence/peace amidst the crazy storm. That has made me to “like” your reply.

    Today you are a parent yourself and I’m sure, you are a wonderful parent…can sense from your words.

    Writing poems / words always helps in such moments, which were actually several years that you lived under that tainted roof.

    Thanks a million for pouring your heart!
    Much love & gratitude! 🙏❤️

    1. I stand on this ledge….expressing more about this core……..’it’s been a task w/no hard work asked….but the hardest chore i’ve endured….’……hahah……thank you for lessening the burden a bit more….allowing me to be…..

      I say that I vaguely understand the loneliness which does exist…..meaning, it’s been part of me ever since the beginning. The void I screamed as a kid….went unlistened to by those, around, whom I lived. The act that came about of me being received was from fatherly love [who coveted his brother’s wife] of a very confused woman. Even amongst the chaos….i saw the cues and followed what I felt was the right thing to do. It was my guardian’s strong conviction to her religion and the acts she’d do when she thought god wasn’t looking on, too. Individuality became my prize with how much darker and deeper that woman’s angst was exposed. I knew, like HER, I was NOT to GROW!!!

      I, when young, didn’t question how I knew or what it was that kept me acknowledging her sickness as a type of human weakness/dis-ease to a horrible degree. The knowledge trace of where this all was to first take place…….here [amongst that lot] wasn’t my ‘right place’ that kept me steadfast until able to walk my own blessed lands.

      We cross paths today after a lot of soul searching/suffering and disarray. I’m learning to allow the clouds to drift away……regardless of the past that lay…… a new day …..soon to engage, once i get this body back….to the fullness in every way.

      Learning to listen & to allow me to embrace this emptiness of a space that therapists had always tried me to will/awash/medicate/fill/cry/write away……it’s why I’ve never felt the loneliness other’s profess…when greeting the black’wall’ [back-wall—passing out while the pain reached past this bodies comprehension] the void of emotion was not a fright…nor a delight [that’s [e]motion as well]…nor can i say it was calmness in anyway…it was a wake up call for me that night…the echo’s in my head…..they are my friends [smirk] crazy till the end.

      Thank you for allowing me this blessing of a gift to reach out and touch where i had once lived…….very honored…..

      [this is my first few steps into a world w/out the medications numbing this brain. [dr’s always kept me very medicated/restrained] I lived on them for years to try and stop the dangerous side of me who was ready to quit…..take another’s life if seen fit—-blessed w/more knowledge to keep grounded & accept this life of love & keep tending to this existence.] A blessing you are once again……my friend

      1. Like I wrote once….”I’m a sucker for meaningful / deep talks”. You have no idea how thankful I’m that you’ve opened up to me. Gratitude all the way my friend for sharing your heart….the raw words.

        You had lived quite some life….tough n rough….traumatic. But you’ve been great in gathering your bits & pieces to give the form of the heart you are….the original state of simply BE….Being.

        Beautiful lines….”I’m learning to allow the clouds to drift away……regardless of the past that lay…… a new day …..soon to engage, once i get this body back….to the fullness in every way”

        Living in now….Power of Now (also a book/ audiobook by Eckhart Tolle) is the only reality. Patterns, pain bodies seem to control & make the humans we think we are. But it’s the heart, the unconditional love, the Now which unmask the Being behind the Self. It has always been there.

        One of the reasons I believe in self healing, the body’s intellect, the alternative ways as I’ve found out medicinal words can’t see & comprehend that mind, body & soul is ONE. The so called specialists look at one thing at a time and they can’t relate how the whole body lives. Giving medicine for depression / stress etc can’t cure the cause….it simply suppresses….put another layer. Don’t get me wrong medical science have done wonders in many fields & it’s amazing. But when it comes to know an individual, it’s close to helpless.

        Mindfulness, soul searching, meditation, spirituality is the way to heart / love / universe / formless. Meditation doesn’t mean closing eyes and trying to focus. Meditation is also when we cook, walk, work…..breathe.

        We all are here for a reason…..with a purpose. Learning every single moment, gathering knowledge & better understanding of our selves is what we do….Heart is the core of the whole….the Universe.

        Keep writing….that’s one of your blessings.

        1. Thank you so very kindly. I needed to read those words, “meditation doesn’t mean closing eyes and trying to focus” that is great assurance…it’s the mindful-less-ness of every day events…yes, yes yes…getting back to the ‘basics’ in a simple way to say it…I choose to not imagine how another receives things & know my heart is in sync……..it’s to acknowledge the benefit even in the throes…..I’ve never picked sides…the choice is not mine to choose….it’s to experience w/an open mind and a full heart.

          Blessings shared…much love my flowic friend

  3. ……contact with your heart….your inner voice. Only such a person can write…..”the choice is not mine to choose….it’s to experience w/an open mind and a full heart. ”
    Much love….to live from the heart…even in the painful times…so hard…but you are the heart!
    🙏

    1. Thank you is not meaningful enough….Namaste …..w/a slight bow to genuflect in respect for the love we all should address as the most important. Listening is not always heard nor learned…..loving from this internal heart is the foundation I’d like to be part…… this natural world when right and wrong didn’t belong…until egotistical h-u-mane came along [har-har]…….get w/step before it’s another ‘reset’…..lol……

      1. The depth & flow of your heart, which you portray through your writings is beautiful. Keep it real….keep it raw. Vulnerability is immense strength….people tend to hide it to feel/show they are strong….but that’s another lie they live. Right & wrong; good & bad; positive & negative is man made….that’s what I realized a few years back (my poem – Speachless I Became). Accepting things as they are isn’t easy either but things don’t need to be understood / analysed…not always. Simply accepting from Heart is the key, which we, as in human, who are in contact with the inner voice are learning & practicing. Pain, darkness (if I may shade a feeling) are great teachers / zen masters….everything leads to The Core where we BElong.

        Much love & gratitude for giving your time to me 🙏❤️

        1. it’s always easier to accept the truth for it doesn’t shame your *spirit* inside. Physical pain took me by complete surprise…. a motivation w/out noise arising inside…..it took me to the brink & not limited by sight connections made w/out slightest might once you haven’t any more fight. Like a beacon in the night….accepting you in, if you choose to listen, again. Much love my flowic friend…I’m blessed to share w/in…..as kin!!

          1. Love is the beautiful flow that blows the mind to show where we Belong with the eternal glow in & around the core.
            Much love & gratitude….I’m blessed to know you….as you are….with no filters / layers!

          2. It’s been burnt to a crisp…..those layers/filters removed…so much exists.

            The order is an array of many different frequencies that I’d been too bound to see.

            Words grasp not even half of this experience…..but I feel joy w/you being part to witness these unfolding event[s]…..

            so many more steps and I am willingly thankfully blessed as allowed to continue w/this essence of presence.

            no bars held…..

          3. No bars held…..no boundaries attached….energies shared….in the form of words that you spread….I feel blessed….as you feel free to express….how you live(d) your life in your very own shed….this all makes me to add….I’m glad….to meet you in this spiritual space!

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