I snapped like crazy on my kids & wife. No one could reach me as I turned in this fire-spitting devil. My family got scared of me & kids were crying. Later the same evening, when I came to my senses, I was crying, feeling anxious & was breathing heavily while I was asking myself, what the hell on this earth I was thinking & doing. If I act & react like this, I would traumatize my own family because of my deeds & patterns. That night was terrible for the whole family.
I’m visualizing every line of this poem as this is what I’m feeling. The lines are flowing in me; this poem is occurring to me. It’s my spiritual way of dealing & healing myself.
This poem is dedicated to my wife on her b’day, expressing how I feel and how she’s been supporting me & being there for the whole family in difficult times.
I am going crazy in my mind, tired in my body & loosing energy. Pain in my body, unable to sleep & epilepsy is making me to take quite heavy cocktail of pills – medication.
I was feeling terribly frightened when I started picturing if I weren’t alive. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. I had a new bleeding in bleeding at the hospital and I started thinking, there’s a deeper meaning of it. The universe is trying to tell me, trying to teach things from the beginning. It’s like a new awakening. When I grasped that, my point of view changed, spiritual side has kicked in. The only way to survive & live is to take slow & steady steps.
I’m frustrated, annoyed, sad, angry and having difficulties in focussing or doing anything as I keep comparing how easy it was for me before the brain haemorrhage. I can’t sleep at nights as my mind is talking to me constantly. I’m trying to reset my mind by looking at the spiritual aspect by living in the present; by dissolving the thoughts of my crazy mind. I am visualizing hope & light in the form fireflies that brighten the dark scene.
I’m home now but I’m going through difficult times. I’m going back in time, where I had my own space at the hospital; where I was getting all the help. I’ve been snapping on my wife & kids and having constant mood shifts, where everything is simply wrong in my head. It’s equally difficult for them to have me back home. Every step used to be so 3 dimensional when I wanted to walk down the stairs as my mind was playing the trip & then I would simply loose the balance. I’m finding great difficulty in adjusting with family as I’m not alone anymore. I feel like going back to hospital to isolate.
Soon it’s time for me to come home from the rehabilitation hospital. I’m still having difficulty in maintaining the balance & walking up / down the stairs. I’m quite nervous how it would be to come home. It’s still difficult to accept my new reality. All I know is that I need to take one day or perhaps, one moment at a time.
This is the dream I had when a white angel saved me from two dark energies. Her big eyes, beauty & aura was pure divine. She saved my life & I was absolutely in love with her. The feeling stayed in me after I woke up from this crazy & beautiful dream.
I’m in deep physical pain in my left side. I can’t sleep at all, even though I’m very tired. Anxious, frustrated & irritated all the way. The cocktail of epilepsy & painkillers is heavy, it’s driving me crazy. I’m simply loosing my mind, don’t know what to do with this pain, so I’m writing this poem late in the night.