I feel broken, sad & I’m experiencing the pinching sensation in my brain. Not everything is the way I pictured & I’m now living with a broken heart. However, I’m still trying to learn; to see the light in this different form, covered with darkness.
I am going crazy in my mind, tired in my body & loosing energy. Pain in my body, unable to sleep & epilepsy is making me to take quite heavy cocktail of pills – medication.
I was feeling terribly frightened when I started picturing if I weren’t alive. I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason. I had a new bleeding in bleeding at the hospital and I started thinking, there’s a deeper meaning of it. The universe is trying to tell me, trying to teach things from the beginning. It’s like a new awakening. When I grasped that, my point of view changed, spiritual side has kicked in. The only way to survive & live is to take slow & steady steps.
I’m frustrated, annoyed, sad, angry and having difficulties in focussing or doing anything as I keep comparing how easy it was for me before the brain haemorrhage. I can’t sleep at nights as my mind is talking to me constantly. I’m trying to reset my mind by looking at the spiritual aspect by living in the present; by dissolving the thoughts of my crazy mind. I am visualizing hope & light in the form fireflies that brighten the dark scene.
I’m home now but I’m going through difficult times. I’m going back in time, where I had my own space at the hospital; where I was getting all the help. I’ve been snapping on my wife & kids and having constant mood shifts, where everything is simply wrong in my head. It’s equally difficult for them to have me back home. Every step used to be so 3 dimensional when I wanted to walk down the stairs as my mind was playing the trip & then I would simply loose the balance. I’m finding great difficulty in adjusting with family as I’m not alone anymore. I feel like going back to hospital to isolate.
Soon it’s time for me to come home from the rehabilitation hospital. I’m still having difficulty in maintaining the balance & walking up / down the stairs. I’m quite nervous how it would be to come home. It’s still difficult to accept my new reality. All I know is that I need to take one day or perhaps, one moment at a time.
I’m in deep physical pain in my left side. I can’t sleep at all, even though I’m very tired. Anxious, frustrated & irritated all the way. The cocktail of epilepsy & painkillers is heavy, it’s driving me crazy. I’m simply loosing my mind, don’t know what to do with this pain, so I’m writing this poem late in the night.
I’m in fear, panicking and quite anxious. Questioning myself if I ever would be close to normal. I know, my family need me but what if I can’t make it – this feeling is terrifying. I’m in great shock & in tears. I’m trying to come out of my pain body, my patterns & trying to accept my situation. I hear these voices, which are showing me the right path, making me to believe in me, having faith & trust. This voice is healing me. Everyone is sending me positive energy; they have been very kind to me. I had lost hope in rehab for a moment but I believe in it slowly.
I’ve received flowers from family & work, phone calls, video calls, so many text messages. It warms my heart when my family & I are going through this tough time. I can feel, I’m not alone. The therapists, nurses & whole staff has been there for me. This is poem is to express how thankful I am for this gesture. I’m at the hospital, paralyzed on the left side, hoping I’ll one day reconnect to my senses & will find the balance and body, mind & soul will become one again.
So now I understand why I felt the need to write Trip-Track a few days earlier. On 7th Nov at around 9:30 am I was rushed to the hospital. I didn’t understand what was going on. Those sirens & zig-zag tour in ambulance while I was writing sms to find out who’s gonna pick my kids up from school. My wife was supposed to come home same evening to be with us for the weekend but then she never went back. I was hit by brain haemorrhage on the right side. My left arm & hand is numb. Epileptic attack was the next to follow 3 days from bleeding. Amidst this chaos, I was trying to find the inner peace.