This Animal is Back

This is a poem about the wild animal in me, who’s attracted to another “animal” – the rage mixed with pain and sensuality mixed with deep & raw side of me. Have you never felt like this animal?

I’m finally back after almost a month’s break. I was busy updating my site with the help of DebbySEO. I won’t be exaggerating if I say Debby is very professional, knowledgeable, very kind & always ready to help. Please do check her blog.



It’s like when things become difficult from time to time, when I burn extra energy to focus on simple things, whether it’s fixing, cooking, carrying a tray or cycling, the mood crazily shifts & swings – feeling of frustration & anger pops up. Because it’s still difficult to accept a few things, even though it’s my new reality. It doesn’t mean it would be easier to go with the flow without struggling. It doesn’t mean either things aren’t moving. I’ll keep on fighting & pushing my limits as that’s the only way.



Things might be happening at a slower pace. I might not be the horse of some derby race. It might even seem, I’m standing very still, I could be taking 2 forward & 1 backward step. Learning the old things in a harder & newer way, knowing the newer things in a cooler way. I’m quite certain, I moving every moment steadily.

Zipping my lips softly after sipping my warm cup of coffee
Closing my eyes gently to feel the different energies in my body
Smelling the scents mindfully to find the right sense of spirituality

Following my instinct while I walk on my ground with thoughts bare naked
Surrendering to the surroundings full of doubtful dots & weakened bridges
Letting myself to let loose different shades on the surface of delicate red petals & thorny edges

Everything changes instantly into this beautiful universe from the perforated form of my pinching topshelf
The ripples in my tubular vessel start dancing when I cast the stone while I slide sideways
The vibrations of this vibrant reality is multiplied when I see these pictures from the sound of my heart beat

I keep on rising up to raise my bars to unlock myself from my inner locked cage
I fall freely on the heavy grounds, as if I’m trapped inside those tiny droplets
I feel like a raindrop, that gives life when it bursts & dissolves in the ground, it’s simply drop-dead



It’s like knowing the perfect recipe to heal, but keep struggling to cook it to perfection, is what I truly feel. The pictures on my real & tainted screen, keep changing from shallow to the deep, before everything explodes with just a simple breeze, where I loose my patience & forget how to evenly breathe, it’s just not the same story on auto-repeat. This is what happening in real life to me, this is how I these days actually live.

“Just let it go
Don’t hold on to it
Accept the new situation
Keep healing yourself”

Believe me, I know this all
I’m trying to be that whole
But I’m bleeding ink through these holes
As if I’m about to loose my breath & my soul

Immaterial things agitate me to the core
Improper actions are creating infections that sore
Immortal is my rage when I become the evil raw
Imbalanced energy in me is shaking everybody & even more

The feeling of sharp nails pierced in my head
Just before when I get the sensation of not being really heard
Brings forth the crazy moment to detonate my mind into pieces to spread this hurt
And turn whatever I’ve built mindfully into the cloud of dust

I know, inner healing takes its form in the course of time
But what if everything comes to an end while I bleed out every coarse of mine?
What if my screen break loose my hell & there’s no ocean to cry?
What if the scene gets darker while I keep destroying everyone’s life?

So I sit still on the bench in my garden & start to ponder
What’s happening to me & why am I doing these blunders?
Why is my heart causing lightning after the roaring thunder?
That moment I learn, I’m still learning to walk this path to unconditional love & to surrender


Freestyle Roar

When I can’t see the true divine, hiding behind the laser lines. I’ve found out that heavy epilepsy medicines can cause mood swings & anger in my mind, the feeling from time to time & it’s multiplying. Just like bleeding wasn’t enough to imply, crazy rhyme, roaring freestyle.

My sky is shifty & I’m about to freestyle on my floating cloud
Inhale this air & exhale my lungs out
Shatter windows to break open my crazy house
Stand on my reckless ground, than to be a part of the senseless crowd
I’m wearing the dark shades & ready to slit anything with my sword

I’m loosing my balance & my head is twisting spirals
The blood vessels in my brain is about to explode the red coloured diamonds
The demon in me is monstrous & spitting fire
I’m about to hit everything with my ice cold desire
Hide yourself instantly to avoid the consequences dire

This thick red flowing in my body is dark & savage
Don’t come near me if you can’t handle my burning rage
You better engage your senses, to avoid your name engraved
I feel stuck inside my wounded brain as if I’m doomed & caged
Everything seems shattered from here, not everything can’t be salvaged

You see, my skin ain’t so thick, so I won’t take it with ease
Just don’t try to pinch my surface, I’ll then play you like a twig
Stop clicking my clicks, if you don’t wish me to come after you with my fits
Stop throwing those bricks coz I’ll then break every single one into tiny pieces
It seems as if I’m feeling sick & crazy, but I’m simply trying to look for the inner peace


Your Eyes

How eyes can show the truth, even though one tries to hide the burning ocean, everything is crystal clear, if you look deeper into them.

I can see in your beautiful, big & deep eyes
How you’re feeling, your eyes can never lie
I can sense the restlessness in you & the whole is crying
The deep ocean is red-blue-green & is crazily sighing

Every teardrop is creating symmetrical ripples
Your ocean is sending waves to the heaven
The nature of your heavenly body is pure & heathen
Just like the universe in its own beautiful way is healing

You don’t need to say a single word, you must know
Your eyes are bleeding every word, they know every bit of you
The desire to dive deep to reach your bottom, before I hit the very shore
To catch my breath, to meet your divine & to see your beautiful core



It’s about the shades – dark, blue & many more, moods, crazy phases, protecting, balancing, reconnecting & resetting.

I’m tired of staying inside my broken & dark shed
So I decide to come out, to see the light & feel the heat
To walk outside, to see the blue sky – the outer space
But I’m not used to leave my shed, perhaps I’m a bit afraid

The fire in my eyes is intense enough to burn things into ashes
So I pick up from the table my pair of shades
Don’t misunderstand me, I didn’t say pair of spades
Coz I’m not here to play any tricky games

I just want to exhale coz I’m feeling suffocated
So I’m gathering my energy to pave a newer way
It’s just not a dream to heal myself when I walk on these unknown lanes
I need to regain my balance & to reconnect my veins

But I won’t loose my shades while I’m exploring these different places
I’m protecting others, I’m not wearing for the sake of UV rays
To keep them at a safe distance from my burning eyes per se
I’m not in a mood to show my eyes & share my deeper pain

Now I’m back again after roaming around, to my broken & dark shed
To rest my naked eyes & I don’t need my pair of shades
You see, it’s a different way to learn & sway
And tranquilize me when my heart bleeds & aches

It’s now past peak hours, where I’m testing myself with my scars insane
Every moment teaches me how to straighten up the bends, I’m taking baby steps
To come out of my crazy phase by loosing this crazy face
To reset all to the pointy edge, where everything once began & one day it’ll surely end


Healing the Spirits

It’s about picking my pieces up & put them together as that’s the only right choice I have.

You see, I can be so brutal
I’m that crazy & wild intruder
Who enters in my own skin, to produce thoughts
Which makes me crazier & protrude gun
To kill the unwanted & exclude dust
To single out heart to protect pure love
To raise the strong shield to bulletprooof my temple

My top shelf is already wounded & it hurts
Now this epilepsy tag has stuck for atleast 10 years on my t-shirt
Medicines are supposed to help but side effects are feeding like those mean bugs
It’s so frustrating that I feel like ripping away my own turf
But I can’t be agitated coz it could raise the pressure of my blood
So I accept this curve as my new medical curse

I do believe in self healing, I believe in miracles
I promise, I’m gonna change all this, it’s inevitable
I need to focus & remain calm, carving a new composer
I will fall several times but I will rise up
It’s my battle where I will bleed but I won’t give up
It’s not about the victory, it’s about breaking my patterns

Beast mode is on, to keep my beats & spirits up
Everything must heal within oneself, one just needs to believe in ONE
Every single being is connected to each other in this beautiful universe
I hear change is the only constant, so is the true love
It’s a different perspective, it’s highly spiritual


It’s Too Late

It’s about the thoughts that encircle me, which sometimes lead to difficulty in falling asleep. It’s a pure sharing, it’s not about suggesting what I must do to “fix” me.

My nights are always on the edge
It’s time for me to go to bed
But I would prefer to remain awake
Nights are haunting me, I’m a mess

I would rather listen to some nice music
Or jot down my own sick lyrics
Or read some blogs & write comments
Or read some mails & reply to them
Can you see where I’m going with all this?
Just read these lines if you wish to connect

I feel as if I’m sitting in my cave
Thoughts are crawling in me like those scary snakes
Spitting venom & biting my tasteless head
Dancing inside me with their hoods flare

I’m constantly doing this crazy check
Where I’m trying to balance my inner & outer self
But I can’t avoid those shocking waves
Where my crazy head starts to insanely shake
So I become anxious & a bit afraid
The restlessness makes me a bit desperate

I’m falling apart every night & day
Difficult to breathe, I simply can’t exhale
The emotions are running super fast, they are far ahead
I need help, is the voice I air

The desire to shout loud & then to scream
The desire to R.I.P. in this dark scene
The desire to feel my numb arm & face
Where I saw this phase with the blades of my phrase
Where I gather my pieces, to recreate my frame
I keep pressing my head from either ways

I feel helpless coz my longing curves to its extreme
The tears then start dripping down my left cheek
I need to rest my mind before it starts all over again
So I force myself to push the emergency brake

I put the earplugs on to listen to music
To hit the playlist, to find my tracks
To leave my thoughts aside, to make some empty space
I slowly drift away as that huge cloud with dark shade
I see the glimpse of stars & moon shining in this darkness
The healing begins & then I fall asleep